The joy of being a woman: So long, farewell....

I started to come back to life following the operation, those who have had general anaesthetic will know the feeling... that floaty, where am I, what the hell is going on feeling...

As soon as I could speak, or thought I could, I was trying to say, 'what did they do?' It took about five goes until the nurse heard my whimpering's... Being 'impatient Annie' (as my mother calls me), I wanted to know NOW!!

I then managed to say, 'did they do the hysterectomy' to which she replied, something along the lines of ‘yes, love and a little bit more too’. I of course thought that meant my ovaries were outta there and me and Mrs Menopause were going to become good friends.

Fortunately, my ovaries were still in place, and what she meant by a little bit more was that I had had my front wall (prolapsed bladder) and also my back wall fixed, which hadn't been a problem before, but had fallen down in the year since I last saw my consultant. I think my love for lifting weights probably hadn't helped.

So now, I can happily say that my 'papaya flue' is as it should be, my uterus has left the building, my ovaries are just hanging around, probably wondering where the uterus has gone, and I'm hopefully not going to get to know Mrs Menopause for another 10 or 12 years (yeah, can't wait for that, said no woman ever), but actually, knowing my luck I will be in the 50% that get it within 5 years, probably next week...

So recovery..... Urgh!

Hi I'm Kirsty, I never sit down, ever, I even think I am doing things in my sleep. I am a full on mum when I'm not working, I try and be a good wife, I play netball, lift weights, travel for work, I see my friends.... I DON'T STOP... I don't know how to....

Until now...

I literally have no choice. Well, I do, don't do as I'm told, and probably end up back in hospital. And I don't want that, not even for a second. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel (no pun intended). It may be a 6/8 oh ok, probably in total a 12 week tunnel... but there’s a light.

So here is the official recovery... well, how I interpret it from my first week and a half recuperating:

Do nothing, nada, nowt... in fact, don't even think about doing anything, talk about doing anything, and don’t even JOKE about doing anything.
Don't drive for 6 weeks. *actually sobs*
Don't even think about lifting, dancing, laughing, and for the first week, communicating with your children. In fact, if they come in to the same room as you, leave. *sobs again*
Do your exercises, ooooh, yeah, I like this one.... Oh...rock your knees from side to side ten times and lift your bum up and down.... not a weight, squat or a funky soundtrack in sight.
Oh yeah, the lifting your bum up and down just reminded me of another, no sex, for 6 weeks. This of course means it’s all I can think about now. What’s that saying, ‘you always want what you can’t have’?
Oh wait, there is a good one here, no housework (although if Matt was reading this now he would probably say, no change there then...). Again though, I’m dying to hoover. This feeling is a first, but tell me I can’t do it… (Matt’s missing a trick here isn’t he…?)
One of the painful things is the random belly burning that has been happening. I must admit over the last couple of days it hasn't happened but imagine the burn from severe sunburn on your belly (complete with being hot to touch), then add the same burning feeling inside your belly too... you might just be slightly close to this horrid feeling. I can only imagine how women who have had an abdominal hysterectomy with stitches feel.
Don't SNEEZE, don't EVER sneeze. Oh my, I have sneezed on three occasions. It's horrific. This wasn't actually in my official recovery notes of what to do, but that moment you feel a sneeze coming and the colour drains out of you with FEAR... What is going to burst, fly out, or explode… arrrrghhhh! I can confirm nothing did happen that drastic (well as far as I know) but jeeeeez, it’s not fun.
Similar wind expulsion that is a no no, not that you have much choice (mainly because during the operation they use a gas inside you (in my head, I'm blown up like a puffa fish on the surgery table), but oh my, it’s the most painful thing ever…yes, I am talking about shooting tiny puffs of glitter, that sound like unicorns laughter and smell like rainbows, out of my bottom. The PAIN!? This has by far been the most painful part of the recovery. Honestly, it feels like somebody is shooting fire arrows up my ass. Oh, but not just that, wind pain in my shoulders too, which the doctor did warn me about because of the gas/puffa fish thing during surgery.

That's pretty much my experience of the recovery a week and a half in. But I have to say, the absolutely amazing part of the recovery has been the wonderful friends and family who have sent me cards, flowers, postcards with clouds on, chocolates, cakes (yes that amazing cake that literally, let the uterus out of the bag) and well wishes. It is humbling and I am honestly so grateful. My house has looked like a florist this week and it’s been amazing. They have lifted my spirits and been beautiful to look at while I have been shoving cake, chocolates and sweets in my mouth. (I'll be cursing you all in 6 weeks when I'm 20 stone. Oh God no, not another blog to get fit).

Thank you Chris Roche for this fab cake.

And I have to do a PDA at this point, even though, after the first post he hasn't read this blog because it's about 'papaya's n that'. (I've changed the word he used to papaya as his word is even more offensive than the 'v' word). But Matt my husband has been an absolute star and I don't actually know what I would have done without him. We still have a long road ahead but so far he has been (and I'm going to quote what he said to me last night) my 'celibate home help'. It's so hard for me stepping back and not helping but he has literally stepped up and is doing EVERYTHING. From getting the kids dressed, to school/childminder, cooking tea, tidying the house, keeping me topped up with brews, bringing my dinner to me, food shopping, just everything that we normally do as a team.

So THANK YOU MATT if you ever read this! I owe you a weekend (probably a week to be fair) away playing golf.... but not for another 10 weeks at least. Actually, he said he won’t read this so he’ll miss out on his golf offer…..

Right, I've waffled on enough. My next post isn't going to be papaya related for a bit of a break, but I will keep you updated on my progress. I also have another post in mind about the kids during all of this change, including berry-gate, which is a funny story, well, it is now that enough time has passed, it was far from funny at the time.... on day 2 of being out of hospital...

I'm going to have some fun with my next post... I’m now at the point where I’m waking up in the night with blog content going around in my head. I have a lot of waffle to share.

Feel free to use the comments box to tell me to bore off at any point…

Have a good weekend everybody.

#papaya

#unicorns

#sharingiscaring

#headinthecloudsKC

Instagram: @headinthecloudsKC